I’ll admit it, I’ve been in a funk! I’m so ready for the next step, I’m going to need God to come on through and give me light. Although it may sound like I’m complaining, honestly I’ve been in a happier place. Been doing my work to keep negativity out of my space and mind, but for the past few weeks I’ve been drained! It clearly doesn’t help that I decided a few months ago (6 to be exact) to do this celibacy thing again 😰. I cut off my entire roster 😖, and it feels like I’m ovulating every freaking day of my life 😫…. I seriously don’t remember it being this hard last time I did this. I underestimated the power of touch, so needless to say, I’ve been on edge.
Aside from some pretty pathetic text I’ve sent to a few exs the past few weeks, I’ve been figuring out how to cope. Hold up, before I go any further, I need a quick praise break. I seriously need to thank God for the closed doors, and miscommunication between myself and my exs, bc if it were up to me, I would have slipped and fell on a penis like two months ago! How dear you judge me…. I KNOW for a FACT single women go through this, some of us are way too cool to EVER acknowledge the need for D we experience. But I digress, I’ve been coping sorta.
If I’m being completely honest with myself, my self esteem has been in the basement. I feel so unattractive right now. But let me be the first to call my own BULLSHIT, it’s all me. I have a slew of men who frequent my DM and text. I’ve been on dates. Even had a man offer to pay for the new transmission I need in my truck…. but I’m not feeling any of them. Again being honest, I’m not feeling myself right now. Although I’ve made conscious decisions to be more productive and happier in my life, I am NO where near where I want to be. I am unhappy with me right now, so even if I have met HIM in the past few weeks, I would not have known.
Another fact, I need a change. Winter and I don’t really see eye to eye any more. I need sun!!! With that being said, I understand why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. I need sun in my life, I’m so ready to blossom and continue growing in life and dream career. I’m so tired of not tapping my potential. I am tired of being surrounded by the same people I am forced to work with and damn near sit on top of. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the paycheck and health benefits. I love that Obama-care has allowed everyone to qualify for medicaid, and that I am a part of the process, but I know there is so much more to life than pushing paper work, hearing co workers bitterly throw shade at others and talk about L&HH all day.
I’ve become some what of a negativity blocker (thank God for headphones, and a tamed tongue). I’ve been working on inner peace, and I even try to give my co workers a daily positive thought of the day (even when I’m not feeling the love). Again quick praise break, thank God that what I do isn’t for mans approval. I’m blessed that I have matured into that much needed revolution! Some of my co workers love the inspiration, and have started contributing quotes. Others hate like all haters do, and constantly kick my back in. This is to be expected. I’ve been at this company, with these same people for 7 yrs of my life, so I know what time it is. I understand these people, and have made a choice to try my best not to live in the toxic land of negativity they choose to constantly take part in.
Key words, I try my best, but I am only human (a human who isn’t having sex right now may I remind you). So the past few weeks my best has not been enough to maintain my peace of mind. No excuses though, I have to shake this funk and get my life! For my own personal health and well being I have to keep moving! This insert was a step towards movement. Now will I ever post this, I am unsure. But what I do know is that I have to keep writing and moving forward. Writing is my only release right now, until God opens some other doors for a better tomorrow!